Matters of the Heart

And as I sit here "reviewing" things, I find my attention turning to "matters of the heart"...
And I spend a while thinking back over lifes twists and turns... a dalliance here and a flirtation there, enamoured with that one and alured by this one. Momentary distractions and long held infatuations... More of lifes mysteries :)

... And no doubt the mysteries will continue in due course :)

But Ive been considering the "qualities" of my hearts past "choices"... You know, Why it was that I was interested in this girl at this time and yet wholely uninterested by someone similar (or even the same one) at another time? And in many cases, the question becomes more blatantly "What the heck was I thinking !?"   :))
Yes, my heart has made some "odd" choices from time to time...

And so Ive tried to dig back into my past memories as best I can to review the largest possible sample size... and on the whole Id have to say that, .. well,... My "heart" doesnt have a bloody clue about what sort of a person Im looking for!... But then again, my head realy doesnt know either, so I may be being a bit hard on my heart here :)) ...

Im no spring chicken at 46yo and though Im far from "prolific" in my love interests, Id have to admit there have been a good number available to review. Note, these are "love interests" and not necesarily "relationships" which is to say its a review of all the people who Ive been interested in rather than just the ones who I got to spend any intimate time with. And so, Ive done my sort of "gut feel" statistical analysis using my mental faculties (the head) rather than my emotional faculties (the heart) about which ones of those "interests" were likely to have had much chance of any enduring relationship...
And the result is that its "all over the map"!...
Id speculate that the "average" result is barely better than an absolute random sample of the global female population (only including humans of course! :)  )  Its really quite surprising how "irrational" my heart has been!

Now of course, I am the first to admit that "love" is far from a "rational" experience, and that in the end, what works is a "whole package" rather than any "planable/predicatble" combination of traits/features. And yes of course, Im a male and libido in  its ebs and flows has a tendancy to "override" rational choices its true. Though Id have to say in my own defence on that point that I have absolutely never been interested in or able to "persue" intimacy with someone based solely on the urgings of my libido... No, if there is no emotional interest then its just "dead in the water" right from the start so to speak.
But, back to the confounding irrationality of my "hearts" choices... I mean, come on!, you would at least imagine there would be a little more than some basic "guide-lines" or "leanings" that  my "hearts" choices would somewhat align with my "heads" preferences!...
But it seems not!
There are clear examples of my heart being strongly interested by people with MASSIVELY incompatible personalities, interests, habits, lifestyles etc..And not just one "missaligned" aspect at a time either... Several cases where the "whole person" seems to be a "terrible fit"!
It seems that my heart doesnt give a "flying fat rat" about any rationality whatsoever... Its so far out its actually hilarious :)))

... And so, what is one to do?...

Well, not a lot, I think ... Like they say, "There'll be no safety in numbers when the right one walks out of the door"...  Which is to say that even though it seems that I cant trust my heart;... I realistically have no choice!...
For I can hardly "make" my self fall in love with someone who I "think" would be a good or logical choice, and likewise I can hardly deny my interest in someone who I "think" I should not be interested in! (I can of course control my actions though)
Indeed, logic and rationality are immensely usefull skills its true, but at the end of the day they are just tools that are in the service of our emotions... We are essentially "creatures of desire" and what our heart wants we use our heads to try to attain/achieve... It is our "hearts" that actually set the agenda and our "mind" just likes to think its in charge :)
And so I think Im more or less "doomed" to have to figure out any future "compatibilities" by the same old "trial and error" method that Ive been using thus far...
And in my review, there are of course more than an occasional case in where the emotions of both people involved started out somewhat aligned and so it was worth "exploring" the possibilities. And so we did, but after a short time it became apparent to one party or the other that it wasnt "right" and we each went our seperate ways fairly quickly. Though its always a bit of a dissapointment, I think those partings were fairly amicable on the whole.
And then there are quite a few cases where Ive met people who I thought seemed very compatible with me and who seemed somewhat interested as well... But who were "attached" already and so there was nothing for either of us to do other than "waive as we sail on past on our seperate ways"... And Ill always wonder about those ones :)

But its not all "bad news" as they say...
In my review I must also admit there are some few cases  (though precious few they seem) where I have to say Ive been very fortunate indeed to have found myself interested in someone with a very compatible personality and certainly no obvious incompatiblities in other aspects... and by "outrageous fortune..." (sorry, Shakespere is bound to creep in when it comes to English speaking matters of the heart :)  ) that other person has been both "unattached" and "interested" in me in return... And those few cases have been the most rewarding relationships of my life :)

... And yet they did not last... which does rather cast something of a shadow on their rememberance!...
... and of course begs the question of  "Why did they not last?"

And to that I can only say that it was again because of my "heart"... I was compelled!...
Yes, my heart was "interested" and I followed it where it lead... And my heart did not become wholely "disinterested" over time either!..., But neither did it become "more strongly engaged" as time went by!... and that was the doom!
You see, for whatever foolish reason, I decided (and have repeatedly done so through my history) that though I definitely cared for (and still care for) them, I didnt care "enough"...
What kind of a thing to say is that? I hear you ask...
Well,... Its my "truth" as best I can say it... The love I felt was "not enough" and so one way and another, those relationships each came to an end in their intimacy and though I still love them, they are now treasured friendships instead.

...But how do you know they were not "enough"?, How do you know that they would not have grown to become "enough"? And how do you know what is "enough" when you have never had a relationship that met that criteria anyway???....

All good questions to be sure!

And the short answer to that is "Because its written on my heart!"...
The only evidence that I can produce in support of that is at best very very circumstantial... In barely any more adequate detail I can elaborate slightly by saying that I am quite sure I can feel "more strongly engaged" and that I would recognise the "enough" when/if I experience it because I have felt that "enough" in my dreams!....
And I have few enough remembered dreams to be sure, and Im the first to admit that there often seems to be very little in dreams that actually translates in any "real" way to waking life... But what I can say is that the emotional content of dreams is One of the (if not the only) highly translatable aspects of dreams to our waking lives... I believe that how we "feel" in dreams are exact analogys of how we "feel" when we are awake... Im no psychologist but Id hazard a guess that in some way or other, thats exactly why we have dreams in the first place!.... And so Im saying that I have felt "enough" in my dreams and though others may find it an inadequate reason or a poor choice, Ive decided that Im "not going to settle" till Ive felt something in waking life that comes pretty close or that I believe has a good chance of "getting there"!

But I admit the price seems high... And not so much for myself either... Whenever one of those relationships is "ending" it causes both people a lot of pain... And it just feels terrible to be causing someone that I care a great deal about that sort of pain... I just hate it!
And it is my most enduring sadness, that I have deeply hurt some amazingly beautiful people who have cared for me and who clearly have deserved to evoke in me that love that is"enough"...
...Sadly, it seems that my heart just will not "engage" ??  :(

...hmmm Ive been using the terms "head" and "heart" here as if they are some sort of seperate entities and in effect I might seem to be "blaming" one of them for my actions... Almost like saying "The devil made me do it!"... But it is not so... Its just an effect of my attempt to communicate by describing aspects of the psyche as independent entities (as is often done in modern language and by our lay-persons limited understandings of concepts from psychological science).... But, to be clear, there is no one to blame but myself  (as a whole) and the truth is that for "complex personal reasons" I have deliberately chosen not to engage!...  Ive been looking for something else/more/other...

And so, thats where I am these days in "matters of the heart"...
But I find Im not disconsolate at not having found "the one", and though these days I find Im less and less inclined to "actively seek" an intimate relationship (and not least for the reason of not wanting to hurt anyone else) I definitely do remain open to the possibility... And like I said above, its not like I realy have any choice anyway... again, Im "compelled" and I'll still follow my "heart" wherever it leads me :))
 But again, I find for now that Im more or less "content" to spend my time trying to learn more from my past experiences....

...well, until the right one walks out of the door... :))