Sea Of Dreams

The weather here in Vancouver is grey and rainy and its that quiet time between Christmas and New Year...
So Im gonna take the opportunity to do a bit of a self-review of "where Im at" and maybe ponder "where Im going".


Its been a bit of a busy eighteen months since I got off the motorbike after riding up and down the full length of the Americas...
When I first got back, I was staying at a friends place while there was a tennant still renting my place. I kept myself busy though by working away at my custom motorbike project and building a little model boat in the evenings...
Then I got my house back and discovered that I had a lot more reno/rebuild work to do on the house than I had initially thought... So, then it was six months of solid work on the house with a full basement refit and then a new upstairs kitchen and hardwood floors and windows and doors etc. And that was all done while I was working a contract too... I was really quite tired out by the time I moved back into my house. I basically went through a whole year with virtually no social contact outside a couple of close friends, and no out-door activities or sports at all.
And so over the last six months Ive taken it a bit easier while working another short contract and Ive been playing a bit of frisbee and doing some Tai Chi in the evenings and even some yoga in the mornings to try to get a bit more physical health... But socially Ive still been keeping very much to my-self.
And finally, for the last couple of months Ive been swanning off to Australia and SE Asia to catch up with my far-flung family and to see some sights and get some sun on my skin.

Yes indeed, a busy eighteen months, but more significantly, a very expensive eighteen months!
Even though Ive been working a fair bit and brought in a good amount of earnings, my expenses have been a lot larger than my income... Id say that only about half of the money really "needed" to be spent ( well in the next couple of years anyway  -for the work on the house), but the other half was just me doing things I wanted to do...
Im not sure others would necessarily understand, but for me, while I was riding the motorbike it was about three years of virtually not doing any "projects" at all, and essentially not having any "home" either... It gave me lots of time to think about and filter through the related things that I really wanted to do... So, when I finally did get the chance... I "Went for it!" regardless of the fact that I needed to take on significantly more debt than I would have liked.

...Was it worth it?...
Well, Id have to say that Yes, I think it was.

Now there is absolutely no question that many of the things I spent money one were purely optional and had nothing to do with "need" at all... (Motorbike, Table, Bronco, some of the "trimmings" in the house). But they were on the mental "list" of things I wanted to do this life time, and so I find that I dont have any regrets about the choice to "get them done".
I used to actually keep such a "list" on paper and every year at about this time, Id review the list and cross off the things Id done over the past year and then think of some new things to add to the list to keep it current to my changing "aspirations" over time. If a year passed and I found that I hadnt managed to check anything off the list, then I made a serious effort the next year to make up for it... It felt like it was a reasonably effective way of me ensuring I didnt get too "stagnated".
But I have not bothered to keep the "list of dreams" at all for the last several years as my life definitely changed direction there, and Ive really only now just hunted around and found the old list ... Just to see whats changed...

And as expected... a lot has changed :))

Im not going to dive into any details of the old list (since its "of the past" now anyway) but well over half the items on the list just dont seem relevant any more. And about half of the rest seem to have actually been checked off over the intervening few years... Not surprising since I really did just throw caution to the wind and set about "doing things" :))

And even for those things on the list that do remain more or less "relevant", I have to say that there are virtually none of them that I feel "compelled to pursue" or that I would feel "dissapointed" about should it turn out that when "my time is up", I havn't managed to achieve... And that I would say is a very different way of being for me as compared to the "me" of five years ago.
Of course I guess I wont really know if thats how I truely feel about it all till Im actually confronted with my own death, but as best as I can tell, Im being quite honest with myself here... And its in line with my musings on the same lines a year or two back in my "Judgement" post, so it feels right...

And so this time as I sit here quietly and take a look at my inner self; Trawling for dreams while my little boat chugs along through the ocean of lifes possibilities; I find my lines are coming up bare?... Have I over-fished my dreams?... No, thats not right... There are still dreams there... I can see them sparkling and flashing down in the depths... Its more like I just dont feel the need to catch them and bring them onto the deck any more...I feel content with the ones Ive already landed... My hold is full... I have more than enough to last me through!

Truely, I have had such a furtunate life, full of so many different experiences... More than I can possibly make sense of...More than I could possibly digest. There is so much learning I can still do from this wealth of memories...I hardly know where to start with what Ive got!
And indeed, that seems to me to be a major part of "what its all about"... Learning... Growing... Becoming...
... And Ive got many years of material to work with on that front :)
True enough, this is but a moment in time; And no doubt as more time passes Ill find that I want for some other "something" or some other "experience", and Ill set a new course and head my little boat in a new direction seeking some new dream... But I certainly feel no ugency about it for the present.

... But, "dreams are free" I hear the old me say... "Why not get as many as you can", "More is always better" etc.
But I guess I disagree with the old me, the with the "common wisdom", in some ways these days...
I actually dont believe that more is always better... What good is accumulating millions of dollars if youve already got more than enough for your needs? What good is taking more classes when you have not learned anything from the ones youve already take?, What good is having a larder full of food that you cant possibly ever eat?.. No, I think we have it very wrong with our blind credo of  "more is always better". It leaves us ever illcontent, and I think it makes us an ever unhappy society!
And in many ways I admit Im still very much of that credo, but I seem to be becoming less so.
So, at least for the time being I find myself to be "well content" and very greatfull for it!
Yes there are some things still on my list that Id like to achieve if I get the opportunity in this life, but for the most part they are things that I feel are largely not in my control. And so, while my little boat chugs along at the mercy of the winds and currents of life, I shall bide my time quietly, and happily live the life of a more or less "wealthy" man on the experiences and memories I already have :)

... And in a more mundane form, that means I shall be spending my time quietly, working another contract at a "good but un-inspiring" job to earn some money to pay my debts. I shall be trying not to start any big projects or spend much money. I shall be trying to get more exercise and to be a bit more social... Though I admit that Im all too comfortable these days spending many hours wandering around in my thoughts pondering lifes mysteries, so the social thing just doesnt seem to be that much of a priority at the moment :)

... And though it probably doesnt really qualify as "social" activity, Ive been thinking that I would like to get a cat!... Someone to share my house with, but who doesnt mind if I spend lots of time just being quiet :)

As a bit of a postscript here, I've clearly ascribed these "changes" in myself largely to "growing", but its also quite possible that Im just "tiring", or more likely that its a normal part of the "aging" process and it happens to everyone... But it really doesnt matter why I guess, just that Im gratefull for it :))

... Lets see what the new year brings :) ...