It seems to me that there are various grades to the "quality" of the things that we "know".
On any given idea or set of ideas, there is an obvious starting point of - We don't know anything. - although many people (men in particular) may think they do :)
The next level seems to me to be when we have acquired some level of information (from a person or a book) and this is good. And sure enough, we do now have some "knowledge" on the subject, but its theory and is very limited.
The next stage is harder to get to but readily achieved by most people and involves us spending the time and effort to think the information over and integrate it into our existing knowledge as part of a whole. This can be achieved to a greater or lesser extent depending on how much effort we put into it and how much ability at perceiving cause and effect we have. The result is that we have much greater understanding and can perceive cause and effect and when applied, this understanding is less likely to give us "surprises". This is a pretty good result and is as much as we get out of a great deal of our knowledge, but it is still usually rather narrow in application.
This is a level that I think of as "Understanding".
There is however a deeper level than this and it only comes after we have truly applied the understanding in multiple, diverse real world applications. This exercise invariably provides us with a much deeper perception of cause and effect and the true ramifications of the idea.
This is what I call "Wisdom", and represents a true deep knowledge. This is the real "ownership" of the idea.
A bunch of my recent posts have covered topics that I already clearly "understood" and indeed I can think of plenty of little "common knowledge" phrases that capture the central ideas. The problem is that I have not seen them at a deeper level and have applied them only superficially to my particular problem. Then, later I have found the deeper truth and realized the deeper "Wisdom" that resolves the problem for me.
I'm not sure how to get to this deeper wisdom easily. It seems that practical application and deep thought are essential.
Actually, at a deeper level I have always known that too... Its a major part of the reason that I only put limited value in book learning, and why I generally prefer to work things out myself, practically in my own way. I think book learning is great for certain things and Ive done plenty of it in my time, but there' s nothing like the "school of hard knocks" to let you see the real truth.... Im sure other people would see that differently though! :))
Guess that means I´m in for a bunch more knocks.... hopefully they wont feel quite so hard these days with more "acceptance" in my outlook :)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The Myth of Security
More Thinking :)
It seems to me that pretty much the whole Western world is obsessed with the idea of achieving "security".
What that means is that we are all afraid of the future! - We are terrified of change! Why so?
Well, its true, there are a bunch of unpleasant things that can happen in the future, but if we want then a bunch of pleasant things could happen instead.
We seem to have the idea that we want to "lock in" the good stuff of now for the future and then only take the good stuff of tomorrow and not the bad stuff. It seems also that the whole world is telling us to "Worry about tomorrow" and "Worry about other people". The whole mentality of the West seems to be to sell each other on the WORRY aspect of things. Its true, and its easy to see it if you just look at the size and profit levels of the insurance companies.
But it seems to me that what they are selling is a false objective!
I look around at... Well at absolutely everything really, and all I can see is constant change. There is not a single thing in the physical world that does not get created/made, exist for a while, maybe change a bit, and then sooner or later gets destroyed. Likewise in the living world, everything comes to life, matures, declines and dies. This idea applies to microbes, whales, cars, houses, communities, companies, civilizations, stars, the universe - It is a universal LAW.
So why do we all fight it? We want our neighborhood to stay as it was when we bought into the area and hate it when the block next door turns into apartments. We want the language we use to stay the same and hate the "slang that the kids these days use". We want our relationships to be forever, We want our parents to be forever, We want our life to be forever, .... We resist and we get stressed over it and it makes us unhappy people!
One of the biggest ways that this has affected me over the years is the fact that I couldn't find something that I could do (work wise) that was immune to being destroyed or used for what I considered a "negative" result by others.
This has meant that I never took on any task that I truly valued. This in turn has left me feeling very unfulfilled and consequently I have felt unhappy and projected it into my world... Bummer!
Likewise, with buying a house, It took me forever to commit to something because it wasnt just right and I would not be happy with it in the long run.
Same thing in relationships - not good enough, I wont commit...
Its like I´m wasting my life waiting for the future to get better so that I can start living - Talk about a waste!
Trouble here is that nothing ever will be perfect, and even if it is, I´ll change and the world will change and then the perfect will have passed anyway...
So I' ve known about this "everything must change" aspect of life for years and the best I could come up with to try to get around the problem was to take it to the intellectual level...
I figured that it was possible to have original ideas that would last and that ideas could last by passing them on to other people (worthy ideas to worthy people that is). So, I figured that my calling was probably going to end up as a teacher of some sort....but that still didnt feel quite right and Ive not yet started to pursue that path.
More recently, I decided to take a good look at the concept of ideas as potentially timeless and it turns out it is the same as the physical world!
As far as I can tell, there is not a single idea that I have now that has not come into existence through the demise or at least heavy modification of some other idea that I used to have. I look at the world of ideas and attitudes in society and the same thing is absolutely true! I therefore conclude that all the ideas that I have now will also at some point "die" or at least "evolve" and I will have new ideas that are better adapted for the world that I will be living in (which is also evolving). Its just one of those things that you cant beat. Absolutely everything has its time and when it is appropriate, it will be replaced by something else.- Again, it is a universal LAW.
So, what to do? - Im tired of waiting and wasting my life!
Well, having thoroughly reviewed the situation on the physical, emotional, and mental fronts and found that there is NO possibility of "security/permanence", I think the solution is, yet again, ACCEPTANCE.
So, there is no choice really, and sitting around waiting is not a choice either.
Therefore, Im no longer going to focus on the outcomes and instead Im going to focus on the activities. Im going to be willing to do things more "just for the sake of doing them" and I' ll just accept that it is a temporary or even irrelevant result. The big trick here is to NOT CARE about the result!
I cant quite manage this totally though (I do still care about the result) but Im going to accept that the result is just a "maybe" and a temporary one at that, and Ill focus on enjoying the doing. Im far from perfected in this outlook, but Im a lot less stressed about the future than I have been ever before :)
This all sounds great in theory, but its going to be very tricky to integrate it with other people; They all still believe in the security myth...
Its a hard sell to try to get a job when you tell them in the interview "I´ll do it till I dont like doing it any more and then Ill leave".
And harder still to have a relationship when you tell people "I´ll spend time with you till I dont enjoy it anymore"...
- Dont get me wrong, It could last a long time, but it could also be very short - Im just not going to let that stop me from giving it a go if I think there will be enjoyment in the attempt :)
So, Im going to have to figure out how to be honest but not share too much of my outlook! Other people just wont get it and I really dont enjoy causing people grief!
The point for me is that the future is uncertain and there is NOTHING I can do about it but ACCEPT it. Its also the future and I can do little about it now. I will enjoy now as best I can and try to be ready and accepting of whatever comes.
This does not mean that I wont plan and try to make the future good. What it means is that I will not dwell on the future - I will think about it when needed, make decisions when needed and act on them. Other than that I´ll leave it be as it is - in the future, and Ill work on the now.
"Now" has plenty to engage me if I stop thinking about the future :)
It seems to me that pretty much the whole Western world is obsessed with the idea of achieving "security".
What that means is that we are all afraid of the future! - We are terrified of change! Why so?
Well, its true, there are a bunch of unpleasant things that can happen in the future, but if we want then a bunch of pleasant things could happen instead.
We seem to have the idea that we want to "lock in" the good stuff of now for the future and then only take the good stuff of tomorrow and not the bad stuff. It seems also that the whole world is telling us to "Worry about tomorrow" and "Worry about other people". The whole mentality of the West seems to be to sell each other on the WORRY aspect of things. Its true, and its easy to see it if you just look at the size and profit levels of the insurance companies.
But it seems to me that what they are selling is a false objective!
I look around at... Well at absolutely everything really, and all I can see is constant change. There is not a single thing in the physical world that does not get created/made, exist for a while, maybe change a bit, and then sooner or later gets destroyed. Likewise in the living world, everything comes to life, matures, declines and dies. This idea applies to microbes, whales, cars, houses, communities, companies, civilizations, stars, the universe - It is a universal LAW.
So why do we all fight it? We want our neighborhood to stay as it was when we bought into the area and hate it when the block next door turns into apartments. We want the language we use to stay the same and hate the "slang that the kids these days use". We want our relationships to be forever, We want our parents to be forever, We want our life to be forever, .... We resist and we get stressed over it and it makes us unhappy people!
One of the biggest ways that this has affected me over the years is the fact that I couldn't find something that I could do (work wise) that was immune to being destroyed or used for what I considered a "negative" result by others.
This has meant that I never took on any task that I truly valued. This in turn has left me feeling very unfulfilled and consequently I have felt unhappy and projected it into my world... Bummer!
Likewise, with buying a house, It took me forever to commit to something because it wasnt just right and I would not be happy with it in the long run.
Same thing in relationships - not good enough, I wont commit...
Its like I´m wasting my life waiting for the future to get better so that I can start living - Talk about a waste!
Trouble here is that nothing ever will be perfect, and even if it is, I´ll change and the world will change and then the perfect will have passed anyway...
So I' ve known about this "everything must change" aspect of life for years and the best I could come up with to try to get around the problem was to take it to the intellectual level...
I figured that it was possible to have original ideas that would last and that ideas could last by passing them on to other people (worthy ideas to worthy people that is). So, I figured that my calling was probably going to end up as a teacher of some sort....but that still didnt feel quite right and Ive not yet started to pursue that path.
More recently, I decided to take a good look at the concept of ideas as potentially timeless and it turns out it is the same as the physical world!
As far as I can tell, there is not a single idea that I have now that has not come into existence through the demise or at least heavy modification of some other idea that I used to have. I look at the world of ideas and attitudes in society and the same thing is absolutely true! I therefore conclude that all the ideas that I have now will also at some point "die" or at least "evolve" and I will have new ideas that are better adapted for the world that I will be living in (which is also evolving). Its just one of those things that you cant beat. Absolutely everything has its time and when it is appropriate, it will be replaced by something else.- Again, it is a universal LAW.
So, what to do? - Im tired of waiting and wasting my life!
Well, having thoroughly reviewed the situation on the physical, emotional, and mental fronts and found that there is NO possibility of "security/permanence", I think the solution is, yet again, ACCEPTANCE.
So, there is no choice really, and sitting around waiting is not a choice either.
Therefore, Im no longer going to focus on the outcomes and instead Im going to focus on the activities. Im going to be willing to do things more "just for the sake of doing them" and I' ll just accept that it is a temporary or even irrelevant result. The big trick here is to NOT CARE about the result!
I cant quite manage this totally though (I do still care about the result) but Im going to accept that the result is just a "maybe" and a temporary one at that, and Ill focus on enjoying the doing. Im far from perfected in this outlook, but Im a lot less stressed about the future than I have been ever before :)
This all sounds great in theory, but its going to be very tricky to integrate it with other people; They all still believe in the security myth...
Its a hard sell to try to get a job when you tell them in the interview "I´ll do it till I dont like doing it any more and then Ill leave".
And harder still to have a relationship when you tell people "I´ll spend time with you till I dont enjoy it anymore"...
- Dont get me wrong, It could last a long time, but it could also be very short - Im just not going to let that stop me from giving it a go if I think there will be enjoyment in the attempt :)
So, Im going to have to figure out how to be honest but not share too much of my outlook! Other people just wont get it and I really dont enjoy causing people grief!
The point for me is that the future is uncertain and there is NOTHING I can do about it but ACCEPT it. Its also the future and I can do little about it now. I will enjoy now as best I can and try to be ready and accepting of whatever comes.
This does not mean that I wont plan and try to make the future good. What it means is that I will not dwell on the future - I will think about it when needed, make decisions when needed and act on them. Other than that I´ll leave it be as it is - in the future, and Ill work on the now.
"Now" has plenty to engage me if I stop thinking about the future :)
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Delusion of Self Awareness
This post is like any other of my posts and its fundamentally about me.
But this time, Ive thought about it very carefully and it is absolutely about YOU too!
Seriously, If Ive seen you at all in the last year, then I have absolutely thought about You personally while working this issue through...
So, while I'm sure you will each do with this post as you will and some of you will take it on board while others will reject it; it is totally real for all of us - everyone I have ever met!
I don't care how high up you have risen in corporate structures. I don't care how well grounded you are. I don't care how many post-doctoral papers you have. I don't care how well qualified as a professional psychologist you are. I don't care how much smarter than me you think you are. I don't care if you believe you have your ego totally under control, I don't care if you think I'm off in la-la land... or whatever...
I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE IT APPLIES 100% TO YOU!!
If you even for a moment while reading this think "that's not me because..." then it just confirms that this applies even more to you! And if you can see it and acknowledge it then you are taking a step ahead :)
And the topic is, as mentioned, self-awareness.
I believe that we are all completely deluding our selves about our own self-awareness.
Like all of you, I think I'm generally pretty well self-aware, but the truth is pretty much the exact opposite and the deceiver is my self-image (Ego!) ... and Damn; He´s good!
Side bar:
I am truly impressed by the power and inventiveness of this Ego critter - There is virtually no effort that is too much, no task is impossible, and there are no rules about fair play either. This guy will literally move mountains in your mind in order to protect the status-quo of self image!
There are of course plenty of books about this but as usual I haven't read them...
So, I was thinking things over (as always) and Ive noticed how hard it can be to spot some really big and defining aspects in myself (if you've read some of my other posts, you know what I mean). And I was wondering why this is so hard to spot in myself and yet so easy to see in others?
I looked at the past, and I thought of all of you (yes individually) and I found that for every one of you (without exception) there are at least two or three things that I can see in you that are somewhat out of balance (This idea of balance is far more accurate than using the concept of "faults, flaws, or weaknesses" - and what I am referring to are the personality traits that make us hard to get along with for others). And thinking more I realize that I´ve known about these main imbalances from pretty much the first day I met you. - bold statement but true!
I then tried looking more recently, and thought about the many people I have met on this trip from different social, political, racial, national, religious origins etc. Some people I have known for an hour, some a day, some for months, but the truth of the matter is that within a few minutes I have a good idea and within an hour I´m "dead on the money" about the top two or three imbalances.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm often partially wrong and sometimes completely wrong about the causes of the imbalance which of course my busy mind tries to figure out, but the behaviors I have noticed are definitely accurately identified!
And its not just my thoughts. For every single one of you, at some point probably just briefly but at some point, I have mentioned these couple of your "idiosyncrasies" to other people that know you as well and its always a confirmation... "Yes you are like this and it is an imbalance"!... (or perhaps "Yes thats about right but I see it more like this...")
Now, If I can do this for other people - easily and accurately- and everyone else recognizes it too... Then it must also be absolutely true for me!
You must all see My imbalances easily!
So now, a major part of why you are my friends and why I am your friend is that you don't try to change me (well very infrequently anyway). You respect and like me as I am and you are able to overlook my limitations... and I do the same for you... That's how it works.
Another point that needs to be made here is that all of us are far more balanced than imbalanced and it really shouldn't be a problem to hear about these little areas of potential improvement...
- But it is a problem, isn't it!
Its not to say that you wouldn't want to help me grow if you could (and I , you), but the simple fact is that NONE of us is able to hear our faults repeatedly (or even just once in some cases!) pointed out for correction, EVEN by our dearest friends!
One of the things about being a friend is that we learn to stop pushing our agenda and our recommendations onto each other and we just "let it be". Early on in the relationship, we each got to point out a couple of "challenging" aspects of the other person; and when we were given this feedback, we listened and took on-board some of the info and left the rest and the relationship moved on. After that early stage we all know the protocol - You don't bring up those criticisms if you want to keep the friendship - You just accept them as they are!
Its pretty certain that any time we start a friendship with someone who does not fall into this mode, and continues to criticize, then that friendship is over pretty quickly. Likewise, more than one established friendship has ended suddenly when someone brings up criticisms.
NONE of us wants to spend our time with someone who constantly criticizes us!
Even in that early stage when we can allow people to give us feedback, we don't really listen. In virtually all cases (Id guess well over 99%) we do one of about three things and probably a combination of all three to avoid "taking the hit" at a personal level (This is of course assuming that the obvious option of avoidance has failed):
Deny it: "No I don't", "Your wrong about that!" or inside "what the hell does he know" etc.
Rationalize it as not our fault: "That's because of this", "yes but...."etc.
Identify with it as a pathological part of us: "Ive always done that", "Its part of my culture", "I'm a Scorpio" etc.
And, even on the occasions when we do manage to shut-up and listen to the input, we almost always say to ourselves on the inside while we are listening "oh yeah, I know about that one" and we pigeon-hole the input and don't actually spend any real time on reviewing our self.
Every single one of these is defensive and is a response to the fact that we are getting difficult to take input (its that ego critter). I know, Ive tried it all out on this trip. As luck would have it, I have been afforded plenty of opportunities to watch these interactions from both sides of the situation. Ive also thought about all of you, and you do it just as much as me - really!
For myself, when I'm on the receiving end, my regular response is usually to interrupt the other persons idea and finish it off for them with my version of the problem :)
If I manage to not do that, then I listen but don't hear because the other person usually attaches a reason for the behavior and I immediately find that I think the reason is wrong - of course, I have so much better knowledge of myself than anyone with a different set of life experiences could ever have! - So I dismiss the behavior along with the reason.
Or, It gets dismissed because "This is their issue, not mine, its just a mirror thing" - But that mirror works both ways - accurately - Tt always does!...
Or, "This again, I already know about this..."
One of the hardest aspects of just shutting up and listening is having to hear our faults coming from someone whom we can see has massive personal faults of their own - Remember, we could see these in the first few minutes that we knew them and we´ve been biting our tongue ever since! In this situation, one of my strongest and very honest urges is to "Try to help them in return" and share some of the things I see in them - Needless to say this goes over like "a lead balloon" :)
Again, if you even think for a moment that this doesn't apply to you "because..." then you are 100% WRONG! It means that it applies 200% to you! - Its your ego!
The truth is, that because others can see these things in us and because we cant let ourselves hear, that we deny ourselves access to a truly accurate and powerfull tool for growth!
So, what the hell can we do about it?
Sorry to say, but I don't have a full answer to that yet!, But here´s what I have...
What I can say for sure is that being aware of the FACT that other people (almost every other person that we meet!) can see our major behavioral imbalances within a few minutes of meeting us, is a great start. If we can accept this then we may be able to find a way to "hear".
I can also say that even though it may be the hardest thing in the world to do (and I think its way up there in the "top ten" hard things to do!), if we at least try to shut-up and listen when ANYONE starts to give us personal criticism; - We can disregard their reasoning as much as we like, but hear and remember the behavior they mention!
Then, I bet that if we let this happen for just two or three times, there will be an "AMAZING correlation" in the behaviors mentioned by different people! - Perhaps we should look into that!
And one last thought: If we really were truly well balanced individuals (like we all think we are), then there would be no consistency in the behaviors noted by other people - since we´d just be a mirror for their own issues - which would be different for different people; And other people wouldn't want to point out our faults anyway if we were as balanced as we think we are....
Go on, I dare you to give it a go!
I double dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you with whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top!
I'm trying to HEAR this stuff better these days because I want to grow. I also from time to time will continue to attempt at least to bring these points up (gently) for my friends when I think there is a chance it will be heard, and if I get shut down, then so be it, - I´ll shut up quickly.
At least I tried :)
Again, I swear, this applies to you as much as it does to me!
Good Luck :)
But this time, Ive thought about it very carefully and it is absolutely about YOU too!
Seriously, If Ive seen you at all in the last year, then I have absolutely thought about You personally while working this issue through...
So, while I'm sure you will each do with this post as you will and some of you will take it on board while others will reject it; it is totally real for all of us - everyone I have ever met!
I don't care how high up you have risen in corporate structures. I don't care how well grounded you are. I don't care how many post-doctoral papers you have. I don't care how well qualified as a professional psychologist you are. I don't care how much smarter than me you think you are. I don't care if you believe you have your ego totally under control, I don't care if you think I'm off in la-la land... or whatever...
I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE IT APPLIES 100% TO YOU!!
If you even for a moment while reading this think "that's not me because..." then it just confirms that this applies even more to you! And if you can see it and acknowledge it then you are taking a step ahead :)
And the topic is, as mentioned, self-awareness.
I believe that we are all completely deluding our selves about our own self-awareness.
Like all of you, I think I'm generally pretty well self-aware, but the truth is pretty much the exact opposite and the deceiver is my self-image (Ego!) ... and Damn; He´s good!
Side bar:
I am truly impressed by the power and inventiveness of this Ego critter - There is virtually no effort that is too much, no task is impossible, and there are no rules about fair play either. This guy will literally move mountains in your mind in order to protect the status-quo of self image!
There are of course plenty of books about this but as usual I haven't read them...
So, I was thinking things over (as always) and Ive noticed how hard it can be to spot some really big and defining aspects in myself (if you've read some of my other posts, you know what I mean). And I was wondering why this is so hard to spot in myself and yet so easy to see in others?
I looked at the past, and I thought of all of you (yes individually) and I found that for every one of you (without exception) there are at least two or three things that I can see in you that are somewhat out of balance (This idea of balance is far more accurate than using the concept of "faults, flaws, or weaknesses" - and what I am referring to are the personality traits that make us hard to get along with for others). And thinking more I realize that I´ve known about these main imbalances from pretty much the first day I met you. - bold statement but true!
I then tried looking more recently, and thought about the many people I have met on this trip from different social, political, racial, national, religious origins etc. Some people I have known for an hour, some a day, some for months, but the truth of the matter is that within a few minutes I have a good idea and within an hour I´m "dead on the money" about the top two or three imbalances.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm often partially wrong and sometimes completely wrong about the causes of the imbalance which of course my busy mind tries to figure out, but the behaviors I have noticed are definitely accurately identified!
And its not just my thoughts. For every single one of you, at some point probably just briefly but at some point, I have mentioned these couple of your "idiosyncrasies" to other people that know you as well and its always a confirmation... "Yes you are like this and it is an imbalance"!... (or perhaps "Yes thats about right but I see it more like this...")
Now, If I can do this for other people - easily and accurately- and everyone else recognizes it too... Then it must also be absolutely true for me!
You must all see My imbalances easily!
So now, a major part of why you are my friends and why I am your friend is that you don't try to change me (well very infrequently anyway). You respect and like me as I am and you are able to overlook my limitations... and I do the same for you... That's how it works.
Another point that needs to be made here is that all of us are far more balanced than imbalanced and it really shouldn't be a problem to hear about these little areas of potential improvement...
- But it is a problem, isn't it!
Its not to say that you wouldn't want to help me grow if you could (and I , you), but the simple fact is that NONE of us is able to hear our faults repeatedly (or even just once in some cases!) pointed out for correction, EVEN by our dearest friends!
One of the things about being a friend is that we learn to stop pushing our agenda and our recommendations onto each other and we just "let it be". Early on in the relationship, we each got to point out a couple of "challenging" aspects of the other person; and when we were given this feedback, we listened and took on-board some of the info and left the rest and the relationship moved on. After that early stage we all know the protocol - You don't bring up those criticisms if you want to keep the friendship - You just accept them as they are!
Its pretty certain that any time we start a friendship with someone who does not fall into this mode, and continues to criticize, then that friendship is over pretty quickly. Likewise, more than one established friendship has ended suddenly when someone brings up criticisms.
NONE of us wants to spend our time with someone who constantly criticizes us!
Even in that early stage when we can allow people to give us feedback, we don't really listen. In virtually all cases (Id guess well over 99%) we do one of about three things and probably a combination of all three to avoid "taking the hit" at a personal level (This is of course assuming that the obvious option of avoidance has failed):
Deny it: "No I don't", "Your wrong about that!" or inside "what the hell does he know" etc.
Rationalize it as not our fault: "That's because of this", "yes but...."etc.
Identify with it as a pathological part of us: "Ive always done that", "Its part of my culture", "I'm a Scorpio" etc.
And, even on the occasions when we do manage to shut-up and listen to the input, we almost always say to ourselves on the inside while we are listening "oh yeah, I know about that one" and we pigeon-hole the input and don't actually spend any real time on reviewing our self.
Every single one of these is defensive and is a response to the fact that we are getting difficult to take input (its that ego critter). I know, Ive tried it all out on this trip. As luck would have it, I have been afforded plenty of opportunities to watch these interactions from both sides of the situation. Ive also thought about all of you, and you do it just as much as me - really!
For myself, when I'm on the receiving end, my regular response is usually to interrupt the other persons idea and finish it off for them with my version of the problem :)
If I manage to not do that, then I listen but don't hear because the other person usually attaches a reason for the behavior and I immediately find that I think the reason is wrong - of course, I have so much better knowledge of myself than anyone with a different set of life experiences could ever have! - So I dismiss the behavior along with the reason.
Or, It gets dismissed because "This is their issue, not mine, its just a mirror thing" - But that mirror works both ways - accurately - Tt always does!...
Or, "This again, I already know about this..."
One of the hardest aspects of just shutting up and listening is having to hear our faults coming from someone whom we can see has massive personal faults of their own - Remember, we could see these in the first few minutes that we knew them and we´ve been biting our tongue ever since! In this situation, one of my strongest and very honest urges is to "Try to help them in return" and share some of the things I see in them - Needless to say this goes over like "a lead balloon" :)
Again, if you even think for a moment that this doesn't apply to you "because..." then you are 100% WRONG! It means that it applies 200% to you! - Its your ego!
The truth is, that because others can see these things in us and because we cant let ourselves hear, that we deny ourselves access to a truly accurate and powerfull tool for growth!
So, what the hell can we do about it?
Sorry to say, but I don't have a full answer to that yet!, But here´s what I have...
What I can say for sure is that being aware of the FACT that other people (almost every other person that we meet!) can see our major behavioral imbalances within a few minutes of meeting us, is a great start. If we can accept this then we may be able to find a way to "hear".
I can also say that even though it may be the hardest thing in the world to do (and I think its way up there in the "top ten" hard things to do!), if we at least try to shut-up and listen when ANYONE starts to give us personal criticism; - We can disregard their reasoning as much as we like, but hear and remember the behavior they mention!
Then, I bet that if we let this happen for just two or three times, there will be an "AMAZING correlation" in the behaviors mentioned by different people! - Perhaps we should look into that!
And one last thought: If we really were truly well balanced individuals (like we all think we are), then there would be no consistency in the behaviors noted by other people - since we´d just be a mirror for their own issues - which would be different for different people; And other people wouldn't want to point out our faults anyway if we were as balanced as we think we are....
Go on, I dare you to give it a go!
I double dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you with whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top!
I'm trying to HEAR this stuff better these days because I want to grow. I also from time to time will continue to attempt at least to bring these points up (gently) for my friends when I think there is a chance it will be heard, and if I get shut down, then so be it, - I´ll shut up quickly.
At least I tried :)
Again, I swear, this applies to you as much as it does to me!
Good Luck :)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Avocados from Heaven
If you are like me, and have lived all your life in temperate climates, then you have little idea as to what an Avocado plant looks like. I figured it was probably something like a Passion fruit or Kiwifruit vine and grew on trellises.
Not so...
It turns out that an Avocado tree is a good sized tree. In a similar vein, I was a bit surprised to find that Mangoes grew on trees too. The Avocado tree however is quite a bit bigger again. They can be 20m tall (that's about 60 feet for my antiquated American readers).
They are also pretty much everywhere here in San Marcos. This is generally a good thing since they provide quite a bit of needed shade. The down side is that they have lots of fruit on them at present and the fruit falls off on a random schedule.
This would just be messy if the fruit was fully ripe when it fell, but it comes off before it is ripe, and I have to say that a hard avocado falling from 15m in the air is a thoroughly lethal item!
The random bombardment goes on day and night and everyone just gets used to it. It can be quite the sleep disturber though since many of the building roofs are made of corrugated iron and this makes a very effective "drum" for the falling fruit... There are usually two or three very loud impacts every night.
The real risk though is being hit in person. Ive had a couple of close calls with the impact being within a meter (that's three feet for the late adopters!). I have another two months to go here, so we will see how my luck holds.
If the gods like me then I guess Ill be fine, and if not then I guess Ill get the hint to move on :)
Not so...
It turns out that an Avocado tree is a good sized tree. In a similar vein, I was a bit surprised to find that Mangoes grew on trees too. The Avocado tree however is quite a bit bigger again. They can be 20m tall (that's about 60 feet for my antiquated American readers).
They are also pretty much everywhere here in San Marcos. This is generally a good thing since they provide quite a bit of needed shade. The down side is that they have lots of fruit on them at present and the fruit falls off on a random schedule.
This would just be messy if the fruit was fully ripe when it fell, but it comes off before it is ripe, and I have to say that a hard avocado falling from 15m in the air is a thoroughly lethal item!
The random bombardment goes on day and night and everyone just gets used to it. It can be quite the sleep disturber though since many of the building roofs are made of corrugated iron and this makes a very effective "drum" for the falling fruit... There are usually two or three very loud impacts every night.
The real risk though is being hit in person. Ive had a couple of close calls with the impact being within a meter (that's three feet for the late adopters!). I have another two months to go here, so we will see how my luck holds.
If the gods like me then I guess Ill be fine, and if not then I guess Ill get the hint to move on :)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Three Little Words
"I Love You"
I have for the longest time shied away from using that phrase.
Why?
Well, because it is such a loaded phrase for me:
Firstly, I hold it in such high regard since for me it really has meant a very high form of love.
And secondly, that being the case, it also has a great deal of power to hurt people.
Thirdly, it seems to me that the phrase is so widely abused by people who use it more or less as hello or goodbye or see you soon or really "this is what I think I'm supposed to say " that it seems to have lost a great deal of meaning for most people.
Unfortunately, I have seen far to many people using the term far too casually. It seems to me that the very basis of the idea of Love is rooted in a deep respect for the other person. I see so many people using the phrase in relationships that are so very far from respectful of each other (I am sitting in judgment here, which is a bold thing to do, but I'm sure its true). So, in effect, the phrase has been devalued for me in common use by the way other people have used it. This is rather a shame since it is such a beautiful idea.
So, for me the phrase has been reserved for a very deep and personal love of an individual. Its not the same thing as "Lets get married and have babies" but it seems to be headed well in that direction. Sad to say, but I have never found a relationship that made it to this exalted level of "connection" for me. I was nearly there once but right about then she decided to end it, so clearly the sentiment was only one sided - bummer!
Now that's not to say that I don't think I can love at this level. On the contrary, I feel that I have an enormous potential for this sort of love but I just haven´t found the right connection yet. I fully intend to keep looking though and I believe that it will eventually happen :)
As I said, the phrase also has great power to harm when used casually. Particularly for me, as I found out in that former relationship. Ever since then I have been very cautious about using it since I really hate to hurt other people. I know from my own experience that it sets expectations of commitment in other people. The commitment is usually not something discussed and that is where the problem is. Id hate for myself and someone to get "miss-aligned" on our emotional commitment to a relationship and thereby hurt them when things change - as they usually do.
The problem here is of course that the hurt in these situations is actually self inflicted! I know very deeply from my own experience that I got myself hurt! It was not the other persons fault! And its true, we are all fully responsible for our own feelings and have the power to change them at any time -Truly! (This takes great self awareness to achieve but I know it is true for me)
So in truth, I have been trying to take responsibility here for something that is neither in my control nor in the best interests of the other person. People need to be responsible for them selves or we don't grow into adults and we assume a "victim" mentality.
So, on the whole I have not used the phrase "I love you" very much at all in the last twenty years and it has been for what seemed to be a bunch of good reasons. Unfortunately, this has meant that I have seemed like a very unloving person and "hard of heart" to many of the women I have been involved with. To me this has seemed very inaccurate because inside I have felt very strong emotions - but that's on the inside. On review, it now seems like I have deprived those people of hearing words of my affection that I have truly felt inside. This has been most unfair of me both to myself and the people I have had relationships with. It is a sad thing to be sure, but I see no need to perpetuate it in the future... I can change that EASILY :)
Hence forth I will allow myself to use the phrase when I feel it!
I truly do feel strong affection for people and would like to share it with them.
Hence forth I will allow myself to use "I love you" far more freely.
I don't care if other people miss-use the phrase - I will not.
I may well not feel the highest form of personal love for the person, but it is a high level of love none the less and is very worthy of being expressed.
I do care if other people miss-interpret what I mean by the phrase and get hurt but I would never try to miss-lead, and others feelings are their own responsibility.
So what will I mean:
Truly that I love them.
I love them right now, as they are. - Not for what they could be or will be, or what I want them to be.
I love them with all their frailties and with mine.
I care and I want to share what I feel.
and that I have no expectation of any form of return for my expression of love.
There!
That may not seem like much to most of you but it is a very important internal change from my perspective and very suitable for blog posting!
... another one bites the dust. :)
I have for the longest time shied away from using that phrase.
Why?
Well, because it is such a loaded phrase for me:
Firstly, I hold it in such high regard since for me it really has meant a very high form of love.
And secondly, that being the case, it also has a great deal of power to hurt people.
Thirdly, it seems to me that the phrase is so widely abused by people who use it more or less as hello or goodbye or see you soon or really "this is what I think I'm supposed to say " that it seems to have lost a great deal of meaning for most people.
Unfortunately, I have seen far to many people using the term far too casually. It seems to me that the very basis of the idea of Love is rooted in a deep respect for the other person. I see so many people using the phrase in relationships that are so very far from respectful of each other (I am sitting in judgment here, which is a bold thing to do, but I'm sure its true). So, in effect, the phrase has been devalued for me in common use by the way other people have used it. This is rather a shame since it is such a beautiful idea.
So, for me the phrase has been reserved for a very deep and personal love of an individual. Its not the same thing as "Lets get married and have babies" but it seems to be headed well in that direction. Sad to say, but I have never found a relationship that made it to this exalted level of "connection" for me. I was nearly there once but right about then she decided to end it, so clearly the sentiment was only one sided - bummer!
Now that's not to say that I don't think I can love at this level. On the contrary, I feel that I have an enormous potential for this sort of love but I just haven´t found the right connection yet. I fully intend to keep looking though and I believe that it will eventually happen :)
As I said, the phrase also has great power to harm when used casually. Particularly for me, as I found out in that former relationship. Ever since then I have been very cautious about using it since I really hate to hurt other people. I know from my own experience that it sets expectations of commitment in other people. The commitment is usually not something discussed and that is where the problem is. Id hate for myself and someone to get "miss-aligned" on our emotional commitment to a relationship and thereby hurt them when things change - as they usually do.
The problem here is of course that the hurt in these situations is actually self inflicted! I know very deeply from my own experience that I got myself hurt! It was not the other persons fault! And its true, we are all fully responsible for our own feelings and have the power to change them at any time -Truly! (This takes great self awareness to achieve but I know it is true for me)
So in truth, I have been trying to take responsibility here for something that is neither in my control nor in the best interests of the other person. People need to be responsible for them selves or we don't grow into adults and we assume a "victim" mentality.
So, on the whole I have not used the phrase "I love you" very much at all in the last twenty years and it has been for what seemed to be a bunch of good reasons. Unfortunately, this has meant that I have seemed like a very unloving person and "hard of heart" to many of the women I have been involved with. To me this has seemed very inaccurate because inside I have felt very strong emotions - but that's on the inside. On review, it now seems like I have deprived those people of hearing words of my affection that I have truly felt inside. This has been most unfair of me both to myself and the people I have had relationships with. It is a sad thing to be sure, but I see no need to perpetuate it in the future... I can change that EASILY :)
Hence forth I will allow myself to use the phrase when I feel it!
I truly do feel strong affection for people and would like to share it with them.
Hence forth I will allow myself to use "I love you" far more freely.
I don't care if other people miss-use the phrase - I will not.
I may well not feel the highest form of personal love for the person, but it is a high level of love none the less and is very worthy of being expressed.
I do care if other people miss-interpret what I mean by the phrase and get hurt but I would never try to miss-lead, and others feelings are their own responsibility.
So what will I mean:
Truly that I love them.
I love them right now, as they are. - Not for what they could be or will be, or what I want them to be.
I love them with all their frailties and with mine.
I care and I want to share what I feel.
and that I have no expectation of any form of return for my expression of love.
There!
That may not seem like much to most of you but it is a very important internal change from my perspective and very suitable for blog posting!
... another one bites the dust. :)
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Report from the Compound
This is your intrepid "embedded reporter" transmitting from inside a cultist compound located somewhere in the alpine jungles of Central America.
Yep, I'm sure that it seems to many of my friends that I have fallen into the hands of a religious cult and that I'm completely "out of my tree". True enough, there are plenty of very "spiritual" (my friends would call them "flaky") people here and as I said before, more rainbow coloured clothes and dreadlocks etc here than I can poke my trusty stick at. Religion is very much in the forefront of conversations and peoples minds here (its as if they are putting something in the water!...).
Truth be told, religion is more or less what this esoteric studies program is about. The difference here is that there is no threatening with "Gods wrath" and there is no pressure on anyone about anything. The students at Las Piramides do what they want, eat what they want, smoke what they want, take what input they care to and leave the rest.
For myself, I am here to gain some tools to work on my "inner self" and I believe that some of the information provided will be very useful. I'm unexpectedly feeling some "solid connection" with some of the material offered but I'm also feeling a complete lack of connection with other material. Ive always been the type to "work things out myself" and it feels right for me to do this rather than swallowing dogmatic ideas from others. So, I intend to keep on going with my own approach to the matter.
So, what religion do they teach - hmmm.
Well, I think it mostly fits under the heading of Judaism!
Its not the common simplified version of things that seems to have been sold to the general public in virtually all Western religions (Judaism is the root of western religions) that I have had any contact with. They have a far more elaborate version of creation than "God and us".
A synopsis would be that there are a bunch of steps in the creation of the universe and that these steps/states are likewise reproduced in the personalities of each of us. These states/steps conform to many aspects of the psychological states/steps that are propounded by modern psychological science. And this is the main bit that interests me since it seems to be a very effective tool for working on the inner self. The ultimate version of "God" in this stuff is not really a personality at all but more along the lines of "Unity" where we are in fact all fractal images of the one entity - "The All" and we are working our way up the spiritual scale to rejoin with the one.
I'm reserving judgment on this stuff and will need a lot more inner and outer experiences before I sign up for it wholesale - but that's the way I work and I'm happiest like that.
So, what are the "tools" being offered?
Its called the Initiatic System of the Mystical Kabala (as my memory has it) .
That would have made me run a mile, little more than a month ago, but I'm suspending my automatic responses at present and am able to see the value in it for me at the moment.
The system is based on the integrated use of seven (There is a real fixation on the number seven in "Mystic" circles it seems) mystic arts (read ancient devinatory arts and documents).
These are:
Mystic Kabala - based on the concept and structure of the Tree of Life
Tarot - We have all heard of the cards -fits exactly into the structure of the tree of life.
Numerology - derived from the Hebrew alphabet and again fits exactly into the tree.
Kybalion - Little book of seven (there it is again) "immutable laws" of the universe.
Astrology - Zodiac and planetary forces - we all know of this one.
Alchemy - of the mind, not of base metals into gold.
Emerald Tablets - very old legendary/mythical Egyptian writing/document.
The story goes that all of these individual systems were co-developed as the one system and that they were originated long before the Egyptians or the Hebrews laid claim to portions thereof.
At this stage I am in the reading and learning phase rather than the implementation phase (the long silence period). There is a bunch of stuff that I have come across that is highly provocative to my hard science rational mind, and there are plenty of statements by the authors in the literature that are just "plain straight wrong". They are the usual problem of people making broad statements of "facts" that back up their points of view but that have not been researched and are in fact just statements of opinion. This has the effect in me of causing me to reject the base idea because of the wildly inaccurate justification! However, I am biting my tongue for the present and trying to give the benefit of the doubt and to see through the surface crap and perceive any deeper truths - and there are some.
As Ive mentioned in other posts, Ive also had some very interesting experiences in my head recently and I am absolutely sure there is a whole world in there to explore. So, I'm spending the time to do some exploring and at least expose myself to some other ideas.
Well just have to wait and see what portion of all this stuff "sticks" once I get back to living a life in the city and paying a mortgage. I expect some will stay and some will go, but I'm sure I will muddle along in my own way in my own time to my own conclusions :)
Yep, I'm sure that it seems to many of my friends that I have fallen into the hands of a religious cult and that I'm completely "out of my tree". True enough, there are plenty of very "spiritual" (my friends would call them "flaky") people here and as I said before, more rainbow coloured clothes and dreadlocks etc here than I can poke my trusty stick at. Religion is very much in the forefront of conversations and peoples minds here (its as if they are putting something in the water!...).
Truth be told, religion is more or less what this esoteric studies program is about. The difference here is that there is no threatening with "Gods wrath" and there is no pressure on anyone about anything. The students at Las Piramides do what they want, eat what they want, smoke what they want, take what input they care to and leave the rest.
For myself, I am here to gain some tools to work on my "inner self" and I believe that some of the information provided will be very useful. I'm unexpectedly feeling some "solid connection" with some of the material offered but I'm also feeling a complete lack of connection with other material. Ive always been the type to "work things out myself" and it feels right for me to do this rather than swallowing dogmatic ideas from others. So, I intend to keep on going with my own approach to the matter.
So, what religion do they teach - hmmm.
Well, I think it mostly fits under the heading of Judaism!
Its not the common simplified version of things that seems to have been sold to the general public in virtually all Western religions (Judaism is the root of western religions) that I have had any contact with. They have a far more elaborate version of creation than "God and us".
A synopsis would be that there are a bunch of steps in the creation of the universe and that these steps/states are likewise reproduced in the personalities of each of us. These states/steps conform to many aspects of the psychological states/steps that are propounded by modern psychological science. And this is the main bit that interests me since it seems to be a very effective tool for working on the inner self. The ultimate version of "God" in this stuff is not really a personality at all but more along the lines of "Unity" where we are in fact all fractal images of the one entity - "The All" and we are working our way up the spiritual scale to rejoin with the one.
I'm reserving judgment on this stuff and will need a lot more inner and outer experiences before I sign up for it wholesale - but that's the way I work and I'm happiest like that.
So, what are the "tools" being offered?
Its called the Initiatic System of the Mystical Kabala (as my memory has it) .
That would have made me run a mile, little more than a month ago, but I'm suspending my automatic responses at present and am able to see the value in it for me at the moment.
The system is based on the integrated use of seven (There is a real fixation on the number seven in "Mystic" circles it seems) mystic arts (read ancient devinatory arts and documents).
These are:
Mystic Kabala - based on the concept and structure of the Tree of Life
Tarot - We have all heard of the cards -fits exactly into the structure of the tree of life.
Numerology - derived from the Hebrew alphabet and again fits exactly into the tree.
Kybalion - Little book of seven (there it is again) "immutable laws" of the universe.
Astrology - Zodiac and planetary forces - we all know of this one.
Alchemy - of the mind, not of base metals into gold.
Emerald Tablets - very old legendary/mythical Egyptian writing/document.
The story goes that all of these individual systems were co-developed as the one system and that they were originated long before the Egyptians or the Hebrews laid claim to portions thereof.
At this stage I am in the reading and learning phase rather than the implementation phase (the long silence period). There is a bunch of stuff that I have come across that is highly provocative to my hard science rational mind, and there are plenty of statements by the authors in the literature that are just "plain straight wrong". They are the usual problem of people making broad statements of "facts" that back up their points of view but that have not been researched and are in fact just statements of opinion. This has the effect in me of causing me to reject the base idea because of the wildly inaccurate justification! However, I am biting my tongue for the present and trying to give the benefit of the doubt and to see through the surface crap and perceive any deeper truths - and there are some.
As Ive mentioned in other posts, Ive also had some very interesting experiences in my head recently and I am absolutely sure there is a whole world in there to explore. So, I'm spending the time to do some exploring and at least expose myself to some other ideas.
Well just have to wait and see what portion of all this stuff "sticks" once I get back to living a life in the city and paying a mortgage. I expect some will stay and some will go, but I'm sure I will muddle along in my own way in my own time to my own conclusions :)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
What Now
Over the last week or so I have looked into various ways to try to "get in touch with" that inner pain but unfortunately with little success.
I have tried a couple of forms of "energy work" - Reiki and Chi-Gong. The practitioners said they could detect something but didnt seem to identify it correctly to me. I must say that I did feel the "treatments" effected my mood in a positive fashion, but I didn't get anywhere near to an emotional release or feel nearer to the pain or anger. - oh well, worth a try.
I have tried a couple of different sessions with "spiritual" type healers - There are lots of them around here. On one occasion, there was absolutely no connection to, or detection of the issue by myself or the practitioner. On the other occasion, the practitioner said they detected an enormous fear (which I didn't feel was right but Freud may say otherwise.) In that case however, the practitioner had absolutely no clue how I could get in touch with it and had no suggestions of how to help - a bit disappointing! - no joy here either.
Finally, I tried a Hypnotherapy session - Id heard of spontaneous emotional releases through this on occasion and there was a practitioner here with a good reputation.
The session lasted nearly 4 hours and I felt that he lowered my mental conscious level by not more than 1% (I had hoped this would not be the case but suspected it might be - I'm highly non-suggestible it seems). It was thus far more of a counseling session than I would have hoped for and while I did get a couple of behavioral suggestions that may be of some practical value, on the whole it was not a success.
So, What now?
Well, it seems that I'm more or less on my own with the problem. Sad to say, but this is the usual situation for me and what got me the problem in the first place. On the flip side though, I have plenty of experience with this situation and I expect I will be able to work it out in my own way over time. I will also keep an eye open for other opportunities if they present them selves, but I feel it is unlikely at this stage.
Also over the past week, I have of course spent the time to review the causes of the past and obviously, my parents were not trying to hurt anyone. They are people with human frailties and they had their own lives to live at the time. I'm sure they had plenty of their own struggles in their own childhoods that I neither had nor have the slightest insight into and we know how our childhoods affect our adult lives :)
I was raised while they were in their twenties and thirties, so I can easily see how they may not have had the most complete set of child rearing skills, and that's more or less normal I suppose. There are reasons why good people do the strangest and least understandable things and I'm sure this is one of those cases. That said, I can safely say that I don't hold any particular grudges against them. Im also very sure that they truely did love me, but that they simply didnt express it in a way that I could detect as a child.
As it stands, I'm about to spend almost two months in silence, contemplating my life and the universe and such. I figure Ill have a good shot at working through plenty of this stuff at a deeper level in that time.
The three month course is a different experience for everyone and there are a bunch of goals intended to motivate the participants. I was initially getting myself aligned on these goals, but it was proving very difficult.
Over the last two weeks, my meditation has really gone down the drain as my mind has been far too active and I'm not skilled enough at meditation to keep mental noise of this magnitude at bay.
I assume that this will abate if I just keep at it, so that is what I will do. Likewise, my ability to study (lots of reading material in the course) is seriously compromised at present - More of those mental interruptions.
Given this, I feel that its better that I just "go with the flow" and see what I get, rather than accept external goals as my own. So, I will use the time and the course to work away at both the course material and my own internal issues and we´ll just see what we get when we are done.
I'm still quite looking forward to the long silence.
I expect Ill do a couple of posts in the first month but the last month is likely to be very quiet from me, so don't hold your breath waiting for the next post after about 10th April.
After that, Ill post again on 22 June.
I have tried a couple of forms of "energy work" - Reiki and Chi-Gong. The practitioners said they could detect something but didnt seem to identify it correctly to me. I must say that I did feel the "treatments" effected my mood in a positive fashion, but I didn't get anywhere near to an emotional release or feel nearer to the pain or anger. - oh well, worth a try.
I have tried a couple of different sessions with "spiritual" type healers - There are lots of them around here. On one occasion, there was absolutely no connection to, or detection of the issue by myself or the practitioner. On the other occasion, the practitioner said they detected an enormous fear (which I didn't feel was right but Freud may say otherwise.) In that case however, the practitioner had absolutely no clue how I could get in touch with it and had no suggestions of how to help - a bit disappointing! - no joy here either.
Finally, I tried a Hypnotherapy session - Id heard of spontaneous emotional releases through this on occasion and there was a practitioner here with a good reputation.
The session lasted nearly 4 hours and I felt that he lowered my mental conscious level by not more than 1% (I had hoped this would not be the case but suspected it might be - I'm highly non-suggestible it seems). It was thus far more of a counseling session than I would have hoped for and while I did get a couple of behavioral suggestions that may be of some practical value, on the whole it was not a success.
So, What now?
Well, it seems that I'm more or less on my own with the problem. Sad to say, but this is the usual situation for me and what got me the problem in the first place. On the flip side though, I have plenty of experience with this situation and I expect I will be able to work it out in my own way over time. I will also keep an eye open for other opportunities if they present them selves, but I feel it is unlikely at this stage.
Also over the past week, I have of course spent the time to review the causes of the past and obviously, my parents were not trying to hurt anyone. They are people with human frailties and they had their own lives to live at the time. I'm sure they had plenty of their own struggles in their own childhoods that I neither had nor have the slightest insight into and we know how our childhoods affect our adult lives :)
I was raised while they were in their twenties and thirties, so I can easily see how they may not have had the most complete set of child rearing skills, and that's more or less normal I suppose. There are reasons why good people do the strangest and least understandable things and I'm sure this is one of those cases. That said, I can safely say that I don't hold any particular grudges against them. Im also very sure that they truely did love me, but that they simply didnt express it in a way that I could detect as a child.
As it stands, I'm about to spend almost two months in silence, contemplating my life and the universe and such. I figure Ill have a good shot at working through plenty of this stuff at a deeper level in that time.
The three month course is a different experience for everyone and there are a bunch of goals intended to motivate the participants. I was initially getting myself aligned on these goals, but it was proving very difficult.
Over the last two weeks, my meditation has really gone down the drain as my mind has been far too active and I'm not skilled enough at meditation to keep mental noise of this magnitude at bay.
I assume that this will abate if I just keep at it, so that is what I will do. Likewise, my ability to study (lots of reading material in the course) is seriously compromised at present - More of those mental interruptions.
Given this, I feel that its better that I just "go with the flow" and see what I get, rather than accept external goals as my own. So, I will use the time and the course to work away at both the course material and my own internal issues and we´ll just see what we get when we are done.
I'm still quite looking forward to the long silence.
I expect Ill do a couple of posts in the first month but the last month is likely to be very quiet from me, so don't hold your breath waiting for the next post after about 10th April.
After that, Ill post again on 22 June.
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