Three Little Words

"I Love You"

I have for the longest time shied away from using that phrase.
Why?

Well, because it is such a loaded phrase for me:
Firstly, I hold it in such high regard since for me it really has meant a very high form of love.
And secondly, that being the case, it also has a great deal of power to hurt people.
Thirdly, it seems to me that the phrase is so widely abused by people who use it more or less as hello or goodbye or see you soon or really "this is what I think I'm supposed to say " that it seems to have lost a great deal of meaning for most people.

Unfortunately, I have seen far to many people using the term far too casually. It seems to me that the very basis of the idea of Love is rooted in a deep respect for the other person. I see so many people using the phrase in relationships that are so very far from respectful of each other (I am sitting in judgment here, which is a bold thing to do, but I'm sure its true). So, in effect, the phrase has been devalued for me in common use by the way other people have used it. This is rather a shame since it is such a beautiful idea.

So, for me the phrase has been reserved for a very deep and personal love of an individual. Its not the same thing as "Lets get married and have babies" but it seems to be headed well in that direction. Sad to say, but I have never found a relationship that made it to this exalted level of "connection" for me. I was nearly there once but right about then she decided to end it, so clearly the sentiment was only one sided - bummer!
Now that's not to say that I don't think I can love at this level. On the contrary, I feel that I have an enormous potential for this sort of love but I just haven´t found the right connection yet. I fully intend to keep looking though and I believe that it will eventually happen :)

As I said, the phrase also has great power to harm when used casually. Particularly for me, as I found out in that former relationship. Ever since then I have been very cautious about using it since I really hate to hurt other people. I know from my own experience that it sets expectations of commitment in other people. The commitment is usually not something discussed and that is where the problem is. Id hate for myself and someone to get "miss-aligned" on our emotional commitment to a relationship and thereby hurt them when things change - as they usually do.
The problem here is of course that the hurt in these situations is actually self inflicted! I know very deeply from my own experience that I got myself hurt! It was not the other persons fault! And its true, we are all fully responsible for our own feelings and have the power to change them at any time -Truly! (This takes great self awareness to achieve but I know it is true for me)
So in truth, I have been trying to take responsibility here for something that is neither in my control nor in the best interests of the other person. People need to be responsible for them selves or we don't grow into adults and we assume a "victim" mentality.

So, on the whole I have not used the phrase "I love you" very much at all in the last twenty years and it has been for what seemed to be a bunch of good reasons. Unfortunately, this has meant that I have seemed like a very unloving person and "hard of heart" to many of the women I have been involved with. To me this has seemed very inaccurate because inside I have felt very strong emotions - but that's on the inside. On review, it now seems like I have deprived those people of hearing words of my affection that I have truly felt inside. This has been most unfair of me both to myself and the people I have had relationships with. It is a sad thing to be sure, but I see no need to perpetuate it in the future... I can change that EASILY :)

Hence forth I will allow myself to use the phrase when I feel it!

I truly do feel strong affection for people and would like to share it with them.
Hence forth I will allow myself to use "I love you" far more freely.
I don't care if other people miss-use the phrase - I will not.
I may well not feel the highest form of personal love for the person, but it is a high level of love none the less and is very worthy of being expressed.
I do care if other people miss-interpret what I mean by the phrase and get hurt but I would never try to miss-lead, and others feelings are their own responsibility.

So what will I mean:
Truly that I love them.
I love them right now, as they are. - Not for what they could be or will be, or what I want them to be.
I love them with all their frailties and with mine.
I care and I want to share what I feel.
and that I have no expectation of any form of return for my expression of love.


There!
That may not seem like much to most of you but it is a very important internal change from my perspective and very suitable for blog posting!

... another one bites the dust. :)