The Delusion of Self Awareness

This post is like any other of my posts and its fundamentally about me.
But this time, Ive thought about it very carefully and it is absolutely about YOU too!
Seriously, If Ive seen you at all in the last year, then I have absolutely thought about You personally while working this issue through...

So, while I'm sure you will each do with this post as you will and some of you will take it on board while others will reject it; it is totally real for all of us - everyone I have ever met!

I don't care how high up you have risen in corporate structures. I don't care how well grounded you are. I don't care how many post-doctoral papers you have. I don't care how well qualified as a professional psychologist you are. I don't care how much smarter than me you think you are. I don't care if you believe you have your ego totally under control, I don't care if you think I'm off in la-la land... or whatever...

I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE IT APPLIES 100% TO YOU!!

If you even for a moment while reading this think "that's not me because..." then it just confirms that this applies even more to you! And if you can see it and acknowledge it then you are taking a step ahead :)


And the topic is, as mentioned, self-awareness.
I believe that we are all completely deluding our selves about our own self-awareness.

Like all of you, I think I'm generally pretty well self-aware, but the truth is pretty much the exact opposite and the deceiver is my self-image (Ego!) ... and Damn; He´s good!

Side bar:
I am truly impressed by the power and inventiveness of this Ego critter - There is virtually no effort that is too much, no task is impossible, and there are no rules about fair play either. This guy will literally move mountains in your mind in order to protect the status-quo of self image!
There are of course plenty of books about this but as usual I haven't read them...

So, I was thinking things over (as always) and Ive noticed how hard it can be to spot some really big and defining aspects in myself (if you've read some of my other posts, you know what I mean). And I was wondering why this is so hard to spot in myself and yet so easy to see in others?

I looked at the past, and I thought of all of you (yes individually) and I found that for every one of you (without exception) there are at least two or three things that I can see in you that are somewhat out of balance (This idea of balance is far more accurate than using the concept of "faults, flaws, or weaknesses" - and what I am referring to are the personality traits that make us hard to get along with for others). And thinking more I realize that I´ve known about these main imbalances from pretty much the first day I met you. - bold statement but true!
I then tried looking more recently, and thought about the many people I have met on this trip from different social, political, racial, national, religious origins etc. Some people I have known for an hour, some a day, some for months, but the truth of the matter is that within a few minutes I have a good idea and within an hour I´m "dead on the money" about the top two or three imbalances.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm often partially wrong and sometimes completely wrong about the causes of the imbalance which of course my busy mind tries to figure out, but the behaviors I have noticed are definitely accurately identified!
And its not just my thoughts. For every single one of you, at some point probably just briefly but at some point, I have mentioned these couple of your "idiosyncrasies" to other people that know you as well and its always a confirmation... "Yes you are like this and it is an imbalance"!... (or perhaps "Yes thats about right but I see it more like this...")

Now, If I can do this for other people - easily and accurately- and everyone else recognizes it too... Then it must also be absolutely true for me!
You must all see My imbalances easily!

So now, a major part of why you are my friends and why I am your friend is that you don't try to change me (well very infrequently anyway). You respect and like me as I am and you are able to overlook my limitations... and I do the same for you... That's how it works.
Another point that needs to be made here is that all of us are far more balanced than imbalanced and it really shouldn't be a problem to hear about these little areas of potential improvement...

- But it is a problem, isn't it!

Its not to say that you wouldn't want to help me grow if you could (and I , you), but the simple fact is that NONE of us is able to hear our faults repeatedly (or even just once in some cases!) pointed out for correction, EVEN by our dearest friends!
One of the things about being a friend is that we learn to stop pushing our agenda and our recommendations onto each other and we just "let it be". Early on in the relationship, we each got to point out a couple of "challenging" aspects of the other person; and when we were given this feedback, we listened and took on-board some of the info and left the rest and the relationship moved on. After that early stage we all know the protocol - You don't bring up those criticisms if you want to keep the friendship - You just accept them as they are!
Its pretty certain that any time we start a friendship with someone who does not fall into this mode, and continues to criticize, then that friendship is over pretty quickly. Likewise, more than one established friendship has ended suddenly when someone brings up criticisms.
NONE of us wants to spend our time with someone who constantly criticizes us!

Even in that early stage when we can allow people to give us feedback, we don't really listen. In virtually all cases (Id guess well over 99%) we do one of about three things and probably a combination of all three to avoid "taking the hit" at a personal level (This is of course assuming that the obvious option of avoidance has failed):
Deny it:    "No I don't", "Your wrong about that!" or inside "what the hell does he know" etc.
Rationalize it as not our fault:    "That's because of this", "yes but...."etc.
Identify with it as a pathological part of us:    "Ive always done that", "Its part of my culture", "I'm a Scorpio" etc.
And, even on the occasions when we do manage to shut-up and listen to the input, we almost always say to ourselves on the inside while we are listening "oh yeah, I know about that one" and we pigeon-hole the input and don't actually spend any real time on reviewing our self.

Every single one of these is defensive and is a response to the fact that we are getting difficult to take input (its that ego critter). I know, Ive tried it all out on this trip. As luck would have it, I have been afforded plenty of opportunities to watch these interactions from both sides of the situation. Ive also thought about all of you, and you do it just as much as me - really!

For myself, when I'm on the receiving end, my regular response is usually to interrupt the other persons idea and finish it off for them with my version of the problem :)
If I manage to not do that, then I listen but don't hear because the other person usually attaches a reason for the behavior and I immediately find that I think the reason is wrong - of course, I have so much better knowledge of myself than anyone with a different set of life experiences could ever have! - So I dismiss the behavior along with the reason.
Or, It gets dismissed because "This is their issue, not mine, its just a mirror thing" - But that mirror works both ways - accurately - Tt always does!...
Or, "This again, I already know about this..."

One of the hardest aspects of just shutting up and listening is having to hear our faults coming from someone whom we can see has massive personal faults of their own - Remember, we could see these in the first few minutes that we knew them and we´ve been biting our tongue ever since! In this situation, one of my strongest and very honest urges is to "Try to help them in return" and share some of the things I see in them - Needless to say this goes over like "a lead balloon" :)

Again, if you even think for a moment that this doesn't apply to you "because..." then you are 100% WRONG!    It means that it applies 200% to you! - Its your ego!

The truth is, that because others can see these things in us and because we cant let ourselves hear, that we deny ourselves access to a truly accurate and powerfull tool for growth!

So, what the hell can we do about it?
Sorry to say, but I don't have a full answer to that yet!, But here´s what I have...

What I can say for sure is that being aware of the FACT that other people (almost every other person that we meet!) can see our major behavioral imbalances within a few minutes of meeting us, is a great start. If we can accept this then we may be able to find a way to "hear".
I can also say that even though it may be the hardest thing in the world to do (and I think its way up there in the "top ten" hard things to do!), if we at least try to shut-up and listen when ANYONE starts to give us personal criticism; - We can disregard their reasoning as much as we like, but hear and remember the behavior they mention!
Then, I bet that if we let this happen for just two or three times, there will be an "AMAZING correlation" in the behaviors mentioned by different people! - Perhaps we should look into that!

And one last thought: If we really were truly well balanced individuals (like we all think we are), then there would be no consistency in the behaviors noted by other people - since we´d just be a mirror for their own issues - which would be different for different people; And other people wouldn't want to point out our faults anyway if we were as balanced as we think we are....

Go on, I dare you to give it a go!
I double dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you...
I double dunkin donut dare you with whipped cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top!

I'm trying to HEAR this stuff better these days because I want to grow. I also from time to time will continue to attempt at least to bring these points up (gently) for my friends when I think there is a chance it will be heard, and if I get shut down, then so be it, - I´ll shut up quickly.
At least I tried :)

Again, I swear, this applies to you as much as it does to me!

Good Luck :)