Judgement.

I had an interesting personal experience this past week... and I admit, I thought twice about writing this post! ... But I decided to just go ahead and let it all show :))


I have no idea what caused it, but for over three days there I had significant problems with my digestive system! What that means is this...

One evening I ate a moderate sized meal and later went to bed.
After a couple of hours I began to feel very bloated but was unable to relieve the problem with a visit to the bathroom. The situation was the same for the next three days!
I did not feel nauseous, and I could eat if I wanted, but there was no room for more food inside me, and nothing I tried made any difference (and I tried a bunch of options!). There were no other real symptoms. After a day, it turned to steady "low grade" intestinal cramps and a slowly increasing headache as well...
Now, I have never experienced anything like this before, and I tend to have a very robust GI system so this was "unprecedented" as well as being uncomfortable and after a few days, quite unnerving!
The later stages of this were on a weekend when doctors offices were closed (or I would have used them) but fortunately it "resolved" its self on Sunday evening... and I have now "moved" on. - and again I do not know what caused things to stop.

So, thats all rather more information than Im sure you would care to know about, but its really only the background to this post.
It was what went on in my mind that matters...
I really dont know what goes on in other peoples minds but I figure that for the most part, I am the same as everyone else. That said, I will now share my hypochondria :)


As I said, it was quite unnerving after a few days, and my little mind was running rings around its self trying to figure out what was going on (since as I said, this had never happend to me befor and there was no precipitating event that I could detect), what could have caused it, and how to make it stop. I didnt do it all by myself though, I consulted a couple of knowledgeable people I knew and listened to suggestions and responded with a logical analysis etc. and basically tried not to blow it out of proportion, - It was definitely a constriction or blockage in the upper colon or the lower duodenum (small intestine) - everyone agreed. And after three days with no apparent cause, and absolutely no progress, and slowly increasing discomfort, my mind (perhaps minorly addled at that!) decided to confront some of those darker possibilities...

What can cause a blockage in the small intestine.... Very little!
But if thats where the problem was then a very strong candidate for the cause is "The Big C"
Yes... Cancer! Nobody, but Nobody likes to think about that possibility!

But I think that through one thing and another, at some time in our past, many of us have had some personal experience that has made us consider the possibility that we have it...
For myself, the last such incident was a few years ago when I had a small skin "feature" suddenly and without cause, decided to flare up and become irritated, and enlarging, and not healing... I went to the doctor and he agreed it was "not good", so we cut it out and did a biopsy - Result: Not malignant... phew!

That time I got away with it but I also went through the same mental process as I did this weekend while waiting for the result. When I thought about the possibility of a "positive" test result, my pulse would quicken, my blood pressure would rise, and with a rising sense of panic my thoughts would go something like ...
NOOO... IM NOT READY!, THATS SO UNFAIR... HOW THE HELL DO I AVOID THIS!........etc.
Then Id have to get a hold of my thoughts and crank the control back on....
Im guessing you know how it goes!

The point is that you have the very real possibility of dying in a none too pleasant way over a probably drawn out time, and in the very near future!
Its a very real very personal and unavoidable threat to your life!
I can think of virtually nothing other than cancer or a degenerative terminal disease that has this effect.

I think my response described above is probably a pretty normal one for most people.
I'll leave it to you to think about, but dont kid your self; You cant sit there and think "nah I wouldn't have got worked up, I would have thought like this instead...".
There is just no way you can fake that kind of set-up on your mind to see how you will respond.
Its either a real threat or its not!
And you are facing your imminent, unpleasant death - but with time to think about it....

JUDGEMENT!


So I had myself one of those hypochondria induced experiences.... but this one was different for me...

This time, my response was more along the lines of:
"Oh...thats a bit disappointing...bugger!..... Oh well, I guess we'll just see what happens..."
And that was it!

I dont know what you think, but I found my own response to be quite unexpected!
Now, it was far from impassive!; my pulse did quicken, but it was very composed and accepting and open. There are things I would rather I had the opportunity to yet do in this life, and I would certainly prefer not to have an unpleasant death; But it also seems that I am not as strongly attached to most of my future desires as I used to be, and Im also way more able to deal with an unpleasant future!

I think this is a very good thing.
I think I am making progress!
I wonder where it goes from here?


Oh well, I guess we'll just see what happens :)))