Deals Trades Generosities and Favours

Just the other day I had a "misalignment" with a friend over an "exchange" and it initially left me feeling frustrated which became disappointed , and that became saddened...

But my friend and I have "danced this dance" before... At least three times before!...
And it saddened me more because it was happening again and I just didnt understand why we were misaligned... Ive always tried to be as clear as I can about these things and it simply baffled me as to why we kept having issues... And it just left me feeling all the sadder...

So, I struggled away at what was going on, and once more I dug deep into my psyche to try to see what the heck was going on, and I got a new insight into it that I hadnt had before and its turned that sadness into some relief and even a little happiness because I think I now understand :)


Now, it should be noted that both my friend and I have very strong and individual personalities, and I would say that we both have "plenty of capacity" to be "assertive" about things!... But thats not the case here. In this case, Im absolutely sure that we are both behaving normally (logically and with good intent) and not trying to cause problems at all... So why the disconnect?

And what I now believe it comes down to is that we have different "rules of engagement" for the "exchanges" that we have had "misalignments" with.
... And what the heck does that mean?

First some definitions about "exchanges" (Note these are MY definitions for the purposes of this explanation and may not be the same as anyone elses)

What is an exchange?
Well, its when one person does something or gives something to another. It might be time, effort, money, or objects , but there is an exchange of something.
And exchanges have a value of some sort, but that "value" can be in different forms...

Trades...
A trade is when the exchange is bidirectional... which is when one thing of value is exchanged for another thing of value. The most common and obvious version of this is the purchase of an object for money (and these exchanges are so simple and clearly defined that Ill speak no more of them here), but it also covers bata or trade where no money is involved, just the swapping of possessions. And it also covers trades of time space and effort in any intermix that you can think of... The significant point is that it "goes both ways".

Generosities...
A generosity is when the exchange is only in the one direction. A gift of any sort fits this category. It matters not what reason is applied to the giving of a generosity, other than it is NOT for some return gift or trade... It is simply a gift.

So, now we dig into my psyche...
And I find that, for me, the above two forms of exchange cover absolutely all possibilities. Often the exchange is clearly of just one type (either generosity or trade), but its also possible for it to be a mixture where, for example, I might come to an agreement with a friend that they can "have" this bench that I made for say a nice bottle of wine, even though the materials cost me $500 and you couldnt buy anything like it for less than several hundred dollars. So, there is clearly a portion of the exchange that is a "token" trade/deal and a greater portion that is generosity... And the details of that need not be discussed at all and indeed are rarely even thought about at a cognitive level... Its just one of those deals :)
BUT...
Even though these things are not being "thought about" at a conscious level, there are VERY definite "rules of engagement" involved!...
And this is where it gets interesting :)

My "moral" rules for Trades/Deals are:
1) A deal is a deal, and, once defined, neither side has the right to change the details of the agreement. And if it really must be changed then it requires the full knowledge and consent of the other person.!
2) I pretty much always sort the details out up front. I virtually never let the details be "sorted out later".
3) On the very rare occasions when I do not define details up front, then I feel that I have waived the right to negotiate... I feel that whatever the other person requests in exchange I MUST accept... Since Ive already accepted the goods so to speak (hence, I REALLY dont like this sort of deal!!!)

My "moral" rules for Generosities (which I would call "favours" but Ill define that differently below!) are:
1) There is absolutely NEVER any expected, implied, or required reciprocation of a generosity that I give to someone. Its a pure act of giving. Likewise in return, if I receive a generosity then I feel absolutely no obligation as a result... I may, or may not, pay it back, pay it forward, or not pay it at all... My choice! Generosities are pure acts of love!
2) I am the ONLY person who decides to whom, how, why, where, when and what my generosities are. Nobody ever gets a say in how I choose to be generous or not, and likewise, I NEVER get to say how anyone else "should" or should not be generous... Its almost religious! I dont have the right to decide or judge how others "contribute to the universe" and they dont have that right over me.
3) It is fine for someone to ask for a specific generosity, and I may decide to do grant it, but I may not too! And I feel I am never under any "obligation" to grant the request... And neither do I need to explain "why" if I decide that I dont want to. And it works the same in the other direction too. No one ever needs to explain their reason for refusal... I assume they have a reason but its their business and thats good enough for me.

And thats about it!... They are pretty simple rules and they are consistent and symmetrical (I apply the rules equally to both sides of any exchange... giving/receiving, myself/other people... And they operate at a very deep level within me...
I dont think about them, but thats how things work in me... Im not even sure where I got them from!... They were not "overtly" taught to me though... Like for example, "dont take other peoples stuff", which most of us get taught by our parents when we are very small children. It seems to me that I "picked up" these rules of engagement by "osmosis" so to speak from my world as I grew up (family and friends I guess)... But, however they came to be a part of me, Its a very deep seated and strong part of me!

And thats where the problem is...
Because, my set of "rules of engagement" for this stuff are clearly not the only set of rules in operation out there!

There is another type of exchange that is used by many (if not most) people...
Im defining it as "Favours" (Though you may have a different definition for that word).
Normally when I hear the word "favour", I use my "Generosities" set of rules... But other people often dont... They seem to use something like the following definition:

Favours...
The giving of time, effort or objects for no immediate or defined return... But there is a subliminally implied "obligation of reciprocation" attached to the "favour".
... Its not at all an intended "negative situation", but the "obligation" aspect is very real (and as Ill discuss is very important). The clearest example that comes to mind (though unfortunately in a "negative" context) is that its like in the movies about the "Mafia" and the "Mob"... "Im gonna do you this favour!..."


Favour Culture...
Now, Im sure to many of you that this sort of exchange is in fact very very normal.
And I have of course had many interactions and exchanges with people who use this "favour culture" in the past. And though Ive not thought it through like this, when Ive had these exchanges, I always work with my deal and generosity rules and I try to be clear about "what the deal is" up front and try very hard to avoid any confusion... And it usually works out very well. And I think thats because it rarely happens that Im "exchanging" with the same person more than the one time.

I also think that most of my friends are quite similar to myself in their "rules of engagement" for exchanges, so the opportunity for "misalignment" has been rare.
But I think this friend I mentioned at the start of this post in particular is strongly oriented toward the alternate "favour culture". And Ive also had more frequent exchanges which has highlighted the difference... Or, so it seems to me :)

But its not as if one system is better than the other... They are just different (and it may in fact be a continuum of cultures rather than the simple A and B options I have described). I think this "favour culture" has in fact played a VERY important role in human social development throughout our evolution! It seems to me that this kind of "subliminal indebtedness" really helps bind communities together...

My thoughts on that are as follows:
The reasons to "look after" ones own "kith and kin" are fairly clear at the evolutionary and social levels, but it gets a whole lot less clear as to why we should care about the people way over on the other side of the village who are not at all related to us... Let them deal with their own problems!... And that would fragment our communities and we would never achieve these large groupings of people that we call societies and all the wonderful possibilities that result from them etc.

But, with "favour culture", a deep and complex network of "indebtedness" permeates our communities and we end up working together and being very careful about "who we take advantage of" or dont... It binds the community into a sort of very large "extended family".

And, that suggests to me the source of this culture... (Though for my part, what follows is all just speculation).
I think it comes from "the old world" of Europe/ Middle East (and possibly other cultures too, but I just dont know)... Where there is a long history, and people having large families and four or five generations of a family are living in the same house (not to mention the same town), and people didnt travel further than the next village... It all gives the "network of favours" "time to bind"... And I think it goes across generations and families but largely stays within communities.

Contrasting that world with the "new worlds" of America and Austrailia etc where the "nuclear family" of just two generations is normal, and siblings often disperse to live in different cities, and its quite normal for a family to "up and move" town with changing work etc etc... There is no time or stability for the "favour culture" to bind... The returning balance of favours takes too long and cant span the geographical distances, so people have stopped doing it...
Likewise, the modern very large city (old world and new) challenges the "favour culture" in a different way... Its too big and impersonal... The only way the favour culture works is through human memory... It requires that the favours of the past as well as the family relatedness of everyone are remembered so that they can be returned in time... But if there are just too many people that you interact with too infrequently and too few opportunities for the returning of favours then again, it breaks down and people stop doing it... And that totally aligns with my feeling about cities that the "anonymity" of vast numbers of people living in megga-communities results in people being "colder" to each other, and closed, and also being more willing/likely to "take advantage of" another person if they can!
Yep, it seems to fit for me anyway....


And, I think thats whats been happening with me and my friend!
My friend definitely uses "Favour Culture", and I dont!
Im definitely from "the new world" and I can see reasons why I dont have the favour culture.
... But its not at all a sure thing that people from the new world dont use favour culture... On the contrary, there are a great many people who do... They may get it from their old world family roots , I dont know...
But what I do know is that, like I said, we are not "taught" it, we acquire it through osmosis. That it is very deep seated and that we usually dont "think" about it overtly ... I had to "dig deep" and look very hard at myself to figure out what was going on.
My initial response to the situation had been that it was related to "money matters" and differences in our "valuation systems", but now I see that it absolutely was not... My "rules of engagement" were not being followed and it therefore felt insulting!... And Im pretty sure that the exact same emotional response was happening for my friend too as their "rules of engagement" were likewise not being followed!

But, now that I see whats happening, I can be extra cautious and aware that what I think is a clear-cut situation with all the ends and expectations tied off, may very well not be viewed the same way by another person... Even if I think Iv been really clear about it, or that "its obvious"... Again, It just aint always so! The other person may not have the same expectations.


There are plenty more "whys" that I could dig into here to try to fathom what is going on with people, but I dont know that it will help that much more.
But, my struggles with my particular situation have resulted in me learning something new about my-self, and about other people and that makes me happy :))

...Of course, that whole chain of reasoning and speculation of causes may in fact be completely wrong!
... But I think its more right than wrong, and it serves as a new "model" for me to work with as I interact with the world.... and then we shall see if it makes a difference :)

And, thats enough for me for the moment :)