The Subversive Self

I was riding along as usual the other day... Through the rolling humid green, with all the little farms and tea plantations etc. And as is very normal, in amongst the blocks of land all in their different shades of green were scattered little houses of the local farmers and workers.

These little houses are far from elaborate... They are usually just a little wooden shack with a corrugated iron roof and consist of one or two rooms and a veranda if they are lucky.
In fact, to call them houses by modern western standards is a gross overstatement... They are somewhere between "hovel" and "shack"! But for all that, they are certainly a "home" and as often as not, when I ride past one of these that is close to the road, I get to see the kids playing near the house and mum is usually to be seen working in or by the house too. And the kids are mostly barefoot and closer to naked than dressed, and usually quite grubby too.
But, when they look up and see me riding by, the kids usually give a friendly shout and wave at me, and when I wave back they get a real kick and they start shouting and waving enthusiastically :)... And I ride on along my way and they go back to living their lives.

I have seen these sorts of homes and lives at the side of the highway a thousand times on my trip... From Mexico all the way through central and South America... Its the most common and mundane thing to my eye these days :)

I freely admit that I have no real idea of what those lives might entail, but I guess I like to think of it as a simple life of hard work in "rustic"conditions, but rewarding too, and with as much love and family and friendship as pretty much any other life one could live, weather rustic or modern, rural or urban... I honestly feel that I do not think less of the people living these lives than any others I pass by on my way...
As the saying goes: "There, but for the grace of God go I"


But, on this day, as I rode past one of these little "homes" and I saw the kids and the mum doing the usual things they do, I noticed for the first time that their skins were very fair and their hair was all blond... And it stirred an emotional reaction from me that was different...
... I felt a bit of surprise!... And I felt sorrow, And I felt compassion quite strongly... Much more so than I would have if their skins had been darker and they had "fit" the expectations that my mind seems to have developed over the many months of riding past these scenes... It was pretty much like I felt the first time I saw a family (any family) in these conditions long long ago!

But it really should not have been!

I, like most if not all of my friends would like to think that I am not "racist".
No, actually I would pretty much swear to you that "I am not racist" and feel that I was being absolutely honest in doing so... And Im sure my friends would too. Im sure no one I know would freely admit to having "racist" attitudes (its just not the "politically correct" thing to do). But even ignoring what we might "say", Im sure that they, like me, truly believe in the core of their being, that they are not "racist".
I believe that anyone from any ethnic or genetic background has both the capacity and the right to be and do, and live whatever life they want and are capable of. etc.

So then, if that is actually true, Then why did I feel differently when I saw that "peasant" family had fair skin??
The only possible answer is that I am, in fact, slightly "racist"!

It seems that my "subversive subconscious" has developed a range of expectations about the "life-style" of fair skinned people, and that it is different to the range of expectations that I have for darker skinned people.
And the only reason that my higher "consciousness" got to see what was going on with my sub-conscious was that I was paying attention to my own emotions at the moment when those "expectations" were confronted with a challenge!


Now, Ive seen plenty of poverty of all sorts of "peoples" in urban conditions and fair skinned people in that situation would not have "phased" me at all. But out in the country, it seems that Ive not come across the same "full spectrum"of peoples in the same sort of poverty.
But, here in Northern Argentina, and Im sure also in Paraguay and Brasil, there is a good amount of it.
I also immediately wondered how these people had come here and what their ancestry was and why their skins were so fair rather than the light brow pigmentation I have seen so much of in Colombia for example where European, African, and South American First Nations peoples have been "mixing" for quite a few centuries.
I suspect though Im not sure, that these fair skinned peoples are descended from mostly German immigrants from 60-80 years ago.... And that would mean they have only been "mixing" for three or four generations... And you can bet that the first couple of generations were "very conservative" and generally against "the mixing of the races".. So, if thats true, it would explain why there are still very clearly white and brown skinned people and not a "continuum of pigmentation".

And I rode on having these thoughts, and sure enough, when I saw the next "fair skinned" family at one of these little homes, I did not get the same emotional response... It seems that my conscious and sub-conscious expectations had been updated and reconciled already... I think the "thinking it all through" did that :)))

I guess thats the trick though... To try to get "congruence" between what we think, what we feel, and what we do... And its constant work :)))

This experience confirmed for me in a very "real" way what I have long suspected... That even though our conscious mind may "be sure" or "believe" or "know" (whatever the strongest word is for you) something about our selves... In fact, the sub-conscious self believes something else entirely... And we just dont know it... and even if we go looking in our selves for these conflicts, we cant see them because its not the same as experiencing a real world situation... which, if we pay attention, is when the sub-conscious mind cant hide!


And in truth, with this suspicion confirmed, I would now have to honestly say that I am "sexist" too...
... It explains why I get a much stronger emotional response when I see a little two or three year old girl of a "street family" playing in the dirt, compared to my less strong response when I see the equivalent little boy...

hmmm. So, Im clearly "racist" and "sexist"... Bummer!

But Id have to say its mostly in a non-repressive way (though Id not go so far as to say its in a "good" way).
And, I expect thats actually quite normal for most if not all people... Yes, Id bet that all you reading this have the same kinds of "dichotomy" between conscious and sub-conscious selves...and we just dont even realise they are there :)))

But, at least now that I clearly know that what I "think" is not necessarily what I "feel" on these types of issues, I can pay attention and try not to deceive myself into poor choices...

All we can ever do is try to improve our selves :)