Battle is Joined

Waxing metaphorical?

So I gird my self in such defenses as I have - My scorched, dented and scratched armor is not so sparkling any more but it has stood me in good stead in past engagements.
When ready, I don my plumed helmet and take up my shield and trusty sword, I then advance into the darkness to track down my quarry...
I find that I'm becoming more familiar with these dark places I have inside. I have recently taken to hunting down the demons of my fears and have fared well enough against my chosen adversaries.
This time is a bit different though! The dragons I have successfully dispatched while not all small, have been the more solitary beasts - They work alone and are easier to track down and to corner, and then I can face them and deal with them. This time however it is an old and cunning beast and it does not work alone. There is a group of them and they work as a team. When I have tried to deal with one in the past, the others nip and snap at me from all sides and it has been all but impossible to keep a clear objective and press home the attack. The end result in the past has been a truce from both sides and I have then withdrawn to safer ground to recover. The situation is the same this time, the only difference being that I am more determined and all I can do is hope and try.

What does that all mean?...

Well, when I try to analyze why it is that I cant choose what to do, I end up dealing with all sorts of other fears that I have and it becomes a "chase my tail" exercise with no clear conclusions. The conclusions I have are:
When I ignore the obvious selfishness aspects, I look at my options and I look at all my diverse interests and I find that I could choose any of them and pursue it with ease and with a pretty good probability of turning it into a reasonable living in a few years. When I do look deeper, I try to be realistic about effort and financial issues and commitments and satisfaction and creativity ... And all the other factors that go into deciding what to do. However after looking deeper into each option, I am still unable to choose any one of my interests as clearly above the others. Result - stalemate!
The truth behind this problem is that deep inside I am not quite that selfish and that I feel a very strong need to do something that makes the world a better place for all and that I should apply my incredible good fortune to something of worth.
So then I look at all the "good" things I could do and I again try to assess all the other factors that I did before. I seem to find flaws in all of these options as well; flaws that are for one reason or another more than I am prepared to deal with at present.

So now what?.... back to the metaphor...

It doesn't take long to close with the enemy, and battle is joined.
Its the usual struggle and I am pressed from all sides by the den of dragons. Again I cant seem to get any real progress... But it turns out that I was wrong!, and this is not many dragons but just the one with many heads! I can hack off a head but it does not kill the beast and the heads grow back just as quickly as I cut them off - So, how do I kill this thing?
Things are going more or less as usual...Badly!..
I'm hacking away and heads are rolling, but there are always more and I am tiring... I'm getting scorched and floundering in the mess... Its starting to look like I'm in real trouble again and I'm looking around for options when I notice my duck in the middle of the fray! - Yep its a duck!, and it is pointing a quacking and it is telling me something...
Don't worry, I'm familiar with this duck.
It lives down hear in the dark most of the time. In the past I have not had that much to do with it but recently I have been seeing it more often and learning to value and trust it.
The duck is pointing at the dragons body and I have been hacking away at heads... Trust the duck!... So, ignoring the snarling heads I wade into their midst and plunge my sword into the body of the beast, aiming for the heart!...
This gets results...
The dragon howls in anguish, and then simply disappears!... and a strange calm descends on the place, leaving me and the duck to consider the new situation. The duck ruffles its feathers and gazes up at me with a playful expression in its eyes (as only a duck can!)
This turn of events is very unexpected and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.
One thing is for sure... The duck was right!
I think Ireally like the duck!, and so I'm going to spend more time with it, and I'm going to take it with me as I go back up into the light!


... What the heck is he taking down there in Guatemala???


A deeper analysis of my problems with all the possible solutions suggests that the truth here is that I don't feel a strong enough "resonance" with any of these career ideas....hmm
It seems that its the FEEL that matters more here than the details that I have been fighting with!
It doesn't matter how many ideas I come up with, I am always able to find reasons why not... It wont ever matter what I choose to do on the outside - I will always find external things dissatisfying and unfulfilling in some way!
The solution must come from inside. I must find happiness from inside before it will come into my outside life....

The basic question of "Doing what, will make me happy?" has been transformed into "What will my happiness make me do?"

This is a profound and powerful truth for me!...
A dark and leaden thought has been transformed into one of light and gold!
This is true Alchemy!

Hmm, this sort of idea is common knowledge and is easy enough to say but this time, I really understand it... Just one problem though - how do I go about achieving it?

This is where the duck comes in. The duck is actually an "inside" reference to a character from an Australian cartoonist that I will explain in another post. It is a "direction finding duck" and it represents my intuition and instincts - it is my connection to my sub-conscious.
In the past this aspect of my personality has rarely been given the opportunity to spend much time in control of my choices. Ive been thoroughly trained for my entire life in the rational and logical method of making choices in life. This time however, I'm listening to it and it is a deep truth and a powerful tool. It slays dragons!

But did it really?
Well, sure, it seems to have slayed the one I set out to get...Truly, that problem has just "disappeared off my radar" so to speak.
But I think it was just a "shape shifter" and has just changed form... hmmm new tricks from the beast!
It is now a different field of combat though, and one that I am not so well trained to fight on.
What to do... well, I know where the problem now is - inner satisfaction and happiness, I know I need to learn more about myself to win the fight with this monster, and I now know that I have a new and powerful ally - my intuition...the duck.

So I am going to set about working on my self knowledge in an earnest way and while the esoteric studies such as meditating wont solve the problem I have, they will certainly help me to learn more about myself and get a better handle on the issue...

Ive thought about things a bit more and decided that the month here on the meditating course has been helpful but when I get back to the city, I´ll just fall back into the old habits when the stresses come back, as they surely will.
Therefore, I have decided to spend more time here and build some better habits and spend the time on self discovery.

Who would have thunk?... certainly not me... but there it is, I'm going to stay here a while longer.


... He´s really lost it this time! :))))